Humbled by His love

I wrote this a few weeks ago as I was leaving my Ugandan home and flying to my Texas home...

How do I begin? As I am on the flight home from my first summer of working full time as VOHA’s international leader, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed that God has chosen me for such an incredible blessing. That He loves me enough to entrust this gift to me.

The gift to love the Acoli people.

The gift to be an ambassador.

The gift to train our American teams.

The gift to be part of a team that places Him in the center.

The gift to live this life in such an incredible way.

I am fully aware that this truly is a gift from God, and that comes with a responsibility and blessing of truly walking this brief time on earth with Him. What could possibility be greater than walking hand and hand with Jesus, than walking this journey with Christ as my guide; entrusting all that I am to the King of the Universe.

Who could know my heart better?

Who could love me more?

Who could care so much about me to write my story just for me?

I am in awe of His love for me. A love that I can do nothing to earn, or nothing to be taken away. An unconditional love that is hard for me, as a human to even understand a love like His. It is my prayer that as I walk this journey of life I would truly know and love with a Christ-like love, an unconditional love. After all, isn't that what loving like Jesus looks like? I know that I am far from able, but as I walk with Christ, and He is within me, He will guide me, my heart, and my life with an unconditional love.

This summer, it was so evident to me that God was walking each step with me as I was given the opportunity to lead three teams. The way that they teams were carefully knit together, I know God was the quilt maker. Christ grew me through these teams, teaching me how to better lead and love both the Acoli people and our American teams. Each team was so completely different, teaching me lessons that I didn’t expect to learn, and am so grateful for the chance to learn from each team member. God continues to amaze me at what He is able to do through His living vessels;  how He is able to stretch, grow, and change us through trails and triumphs.

Through the awareness of this gift, this blessing in my life that God has given me, I am also heartbroken. With the blessing comes change; and this change comes heartbreak. 

A heartbreak that people may only feel a couple of times in their entire life.

A heartbreak that literally makes my heart ache, wondering if it is actually possible that my heart is cracking open.

A heartbreak that puts a lump in my throat.

A heartbreak that makes it difficult to stop the tears from flowing continuously down my cheeks.

A heartbreak that is overwhelming if I let it start to seep in and take control.

This heartbreak comes from saying goodbye to a childhood dream turned into my reality the last seven years. A reality in my life that continues to have a huge place in my life and heart. As I say goodbye, letting go of a loved reality is heartbreaking. I am and will forever be grateful for the opportunity to work at SeaWorld. The people and animals I worked with truly changed my life. I recognize that God gave me this gift, and what a sweet gift it was. I am truly feel so blessed to have had something in my life that I love so deeply. I knew it would be hard to say goodbye, to the people and animals that hold such an incredibly special place in my life, but I didn’t know it would be this hard and that it would be possible to hurt this much. I am confident that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do in this season of my life, and that is why I am a little taken back by this heartbreak. I am certain that only God can understand how deeply this breaks my heart, and I am confident that He is also that only one that can give me a peace that will begin to ease the pain. I am learning though, that maybe it is okay that I miss it, and that it is so difficult to say goodbye.

Maybe that is part of the process of empting myself to be filled completely with Him.
Maybe it is okay to break in the arms of our Father, allowing Him to put my pieces back together in a way to bring glory to Him.

Maybe this is what He means when He talks about sacrifice, being willing to follow Him even when it is difficult for my flesh.

Maybe this is what He means when He says trust in me with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Maybe I just have to wake up, take life step my step, day by day, trusting that He is all that He promises to be.

Maybe this is what it looks like to fall on my knees before that Lord, emptied, broken, and hurting- so that He can be all that I need in this life. It is my hearts desire to give my life to Him, whatever that looks like, and right now this is what it looks like.

Maybe I don’t have to act like it is easy for me right now, after all God knows my heart. Before He called me to this, He knew my heart would break- but He has told me to come to Him, just as I am. He didn’t say that it would be easy, but He has promised to hold me.

Maybe that is my next step, come to God hurting. As I write this it is becoming more obvious that I am allowed to hurt, I am allowed to come to God just as I am. Something that I teach others, but wasn’t willing to accept in my life right now. I was almost embarrassed by the deep heartbreak, thinking it meant or looked like I wasn’t trusting God. But that isn’t it, I trust Him enough, that even through the heartbreak, I will continue to follow where He calls me.

Wow, again I am humbled by my loving Father. Who am I that He would love me like this? Who am I that He would choose me? Who am I that He would He call me His child? I am not certain that I will ever stop missing SeaWorld. And maybe that is okay. I think the key is that I don’t let that consume me or become my focus, and that I continue to follow and trust my God confidently with all that I am, wherever that road leads.